Abortion? Okay. (Deep Breath). Abortion.
Disclaimer: this is an attempt to explain the way I feel about the legality of abortions in the United States. I will do my best not to offend anyone, but this is a contentious issue that many people (including me) feel very strongly about. Please read the entire thing before passing judgment. Thanks in advance. The worst part about being a moderate (politically), is that you have people on...
Building a Better Tennis Player
I’m in this sorta weird spot with tennis right now. I played every summer from when I was five till around when I was eight, and then I stopped. I played about once a year until this summer, when I started taking lessons again. I’m finally really learning how to play tennis. And it’s awesome. Usually, people learn to play tennis at a young age. They develop a game and...
http://deadspin.com/5845213/the-best-four-minutes-of-baseball-last-night-presented-in-split-screen Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha. Ha. Suck it, Boston.
Amusing Stories from Tutoring
I have been called a douchebag before. Many, many times. By friends, colleagues, family members, a homeless dude, people I’ve just met, people I’ve dated (during and after the period in which we were dating), and even, on occasion, myself. But I had never been called a douchebag by a ten-year-old. Until Monday. I’m helping Donny (not his real name, obv) with some grammar...
A Brief Guide to the US Open Semifinals
In the last two weeks, I have watched a lot of tennis. A lot. Not always actively - its often on in the background while I’m doing something else - but its ALWAYS on. I’ve probably watched as much tennis these last two weeks as the in the rest of my life combined. And its been awesome. But this weekend, it comes to an end. The US Open men’s semifinals are scheduled for...
Rejected Titles for Dick Cheney's Memoir
So Dick Cheney wrote a book about the time he spent slapping America with his penis being Vice-President, and the title sucks. ”In My Time?” That’s the most generic, non-descript, horribly boring title for a memoir ever. Why would he title it that? Isn’t the whole thing supposed to be an unapologetic look at how sometimes he let George wear the big boy pants? So why is...
My Five Favorite Burgers
I was watching a How I Met Your Mother episode about Marshall reminiscing (and going on a quest to find) the “best burger in New York,” and it made me nostalgic about the amazing burgers I’ve eaten over the years. So, because I’m a narcissistic person who expects other people to take an active interest in my life for no reason, I decided to blog about it. Now, context is...
The New York Times Magazine Must Have Better...
I don’t usually spend this much time tearing apart other people’s writing, but this piece from the last New York Times Magazine merits special consideration. Its about how “strong female characters” suck and we should have less of them, and its awful. Its awful in a ton of ways, but since I spent four years learning that I have to prove my assertions (college degrees are...
The End of an Era
Back in October, Kobe Bryant was asked if he could beat LeBron James one on one. The question, frankly, was ludicrous. Kobe is an absurdly good player (probably one of the ten best of all time), but LeBron is Lebron. Maybe the most talented basketball player ever, plus he’s three inches taller, at least forty pounds heavier, and probably a step faster than Kobe at this point. 2006 Kobe...
Donald Rumsfeld Being... Well, Donald Rumsfeld
For me, this was the highlight of all the post-Osama being dead euphoria. The Today show interviewed Donald Rumsfeld this morning about the whole WE GOT HIM! thing that happened late last night. (If you didn’t know… we got him). Fairly standard news-stuff, I guess; important thing happens related to the defense of the United States, so you get a former Secretary of Defense to...
You know when you’re shaving, and you have to run your razor over something sharp? Say, my knife-like jaw? And then you’re worried about cutting yourself, and maybe you don’t always get all the hairs on the jaw? See, I cut myself alot, so I’m always walking out of the bathroom with little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my face as makeshift band-aids, doing my best to...
The Most Productive Day of My Life
7:30: alarm rings. Hit snooze button. Realize that five hours ago, I was writing coherent sentences about the effects of financial regulation on the savings and loan crisis. 8:00: Open laptop. Begin writing emails. 8:30: Finish writing emails. Begin typing up problem set due in, oh, five hours? 9:45: Finish problem set. Watch Monday’s Daily Show while eating breakfast. 10:30:...
JFK to LAX
So I’m watching Inside Job, sipping white wine, and my left hand is less than an inch away from the backside of an adult actress. #winning! No, I have not turned into Charlie Sheen. I was merely on a plane from JFK to LAX. For me, the New York to Los Angeles flight has always been fraught with danger. Near-misses with blizzards, sitting next to fat guys, flying home after breaking up...
Goodbye, Gaddafi. Its been nice listening to your rambling speeches and looking at your colorful outfits. But this is the kiss of death. When your military deserts you, its time to pack it up. You had a good run, buddy. A brutal, potentially genocidal run, which included backing terrorists and killing civilians, but hey, anything to stay in power right? Enjoy your exile in Switzerland. If...
College Is Awesome (when its not terrifyingly...
So Drew Magary, resident football analyst and f-word user extraordinaire of Deadspin, just wrote an almost impossibly good piece entitled “The Lonliness of the American College Transfer Student.” The writing is in Drew’s usual style, feauring probably too many curse words and an entirely excessive amount of all caps, but its not the style that’s so good about this piece;...
Ding, dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Baddass oi-spill-survivor Dolphin? Heartwarming animal rescue story? An abused animal proves tougher than the bigger, stronger animals that abused him? How can I say no! (Seriously, read it. It will make you feel so much better about your life).
In honor of Greg Jennings performance in the Super Bowl — he puts the team on his back. (I know everyone’s seen it already… its a tribute).
Bow in the presence of greatness.
Shit just got heavy.
Deconstructing Bruno Mars
I have never, ever liked Bruno Mars. Ever. I find his music obnoxiously generic and over produced, his lyrics obvious and fake, and his wardrobe choices questionable (I don’t mean all of that; his wardrobe is probably fine). But I seem to find myself in the minority; Grenade was recently the #1 song on iTunes, making it effectively the most popular song in America (for that week,...
In Defense of Jay Cutler
It is rare for me to mean the word “hate” when using it to describe my feelings about another human being. Especially when it comes to sports. I might say jokingly that I hate Tom Brady, I don’t hate him, really (just his hair, his success, his supermodel wife, his paycheck, and the way people call him the greatest ever when he hasn’t won a Super Bowl without Adam...
Proving, once and for all, that everyone in Britain is rampantly sexist. These guys sound like real-like versions of Ron Burgundy. Honestly, would you be surprised if one of them had said “she’s just a woman, with a brain a third the size of ours. Its science.”
My Fourteenth Favorite Sports Team Does Something...
So the Angels just traded for this guy, named Vernon Wells. No, the Angels. You know, the baseball team? From the Disney movie? Like, in the outfield? That can’t decide if they’re from Los Angeles or Anaheim? Yeah, those Angels. You might be asking why the Angels trading for a mediocre player spiked my interest. I care about the Angels the same way people from New York care...
A Brief Note On Sexual Intercourse
Not while I’m in the room. Honestly. Who does that? I will totally leave if you ask me to. And really, most people will. So have the courtesy to ask people not to be there. Okay? Okay.
Bring On the Suck -- The Worst of 2010
So Deadspin, as is there wont, actually stole the title I wanted to use for this. ”Here Comes the Ass.” Since half this post is about Katy Perry, it seemed like the perfect title. Alas, better (and more famous) minds were able to steal it from me. I was thinking about writing a Best Of post rather than a Worst Of, but come on. Its me we’re talking about. Who loves to take...
West Coast Christmas
I have a confession to make: I think Irving Berlin is an idiot. He wrote this whole song about how he’s chillin in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve, and its 70 degrees and sunny and the palm trees are swaying in the gentle sea breeze, and he’s wishing it was snowing. Who does that? Honestly? You’re in Beverly Hills. Why go anywhere else? I have never wished for a white...
Mark May Gives the SEC a Series of Blowjobs
So I just watched Mark May, an “analyst” at ESPN, comment on the recent suspensions of Ohio State football players for selling their jerseys (which the students have full legal ownership of, but under NCAA bylaws are not allowed to sell). He called the NCAA hypocrites, which I totally support. But not for making millions of dollars off of 18-21 year old college students, and then...
Basically, this is why I don’t want to go to law school. And after seeing this, it makes me wonder why they didn’t let women be lawyers for so long.
To-Do List A Mile Long
It’s always the worst part of winter break. The moment you come home, and your mom asks you what you’re doing for break. You give the standard reply: “Um, not much, I guess, just hanging out,” and her eyes light up light Christmas lights (Ha! I see what I did there. Clever, sir, clever). Before you know what’s happening, she hands you The List of Doom....
Dear Internet: Merry Christmas. And you’re all very, very welcome.
10 Ways You Know You're Depressed
I’m stealing this shtick from David Letterman. I’d feel bad, but he stopped being funny about a decade ago. So here you go. 1: Everywhere you travel in the world, rain seems to follow you like the smell of a bad fart. 2: You hear “Fireworks” by Katy Perry, and you think the lyrics speak to you (protip: THEY DON’T. No Katy Perry lyic should ever speak to you...
Fart Joke Fridays
This one comes from a plane. Which I’m sitting on right now. Wallowing in the same stench that has been slowly sucking the life out of for the last 6 hours. I’m brief: I got on a plane at JFK. The dude across the isle from me farted. Loudly. Like, if I were at home and I farted that loud, I’d want to shower. It sounded like someone chainsawing jellow. But that was...
This is, not close, the least surprising headline I have ever read. ”Shitty Katy Perry Song #1 on iTunes” is currently in second place, but at least there are people who might, maybe, kinda, overtake her. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for everyone at Madrid to hate him.
How I Know I'm Going Insane
So its final week here in the lovely, rainy, ball-clutchingly cold Northeast, and I have shit to do. A lot of shit to do. Am I doing it? Fuck no. I’m drinking Jim Beam and watching anime from the 80s (speaking of which, watch Akira. It’s on youtube, in HD, and its fucking unreal. I’m going to dream tonight about eight year olds with wrinkles, blue skin and psychic powers....
Just When I Think I'm Out...
Norv Turner pulls me back in. Well done, Mr Turner. That was a well-coached game. Everyone was ready to play, the play-calling was tight, and I even think I saw you drop an f-bomb on a ref at one point. You’ve got my hopes up now, stellar work. The only thing left is to lose to to Bengals (or some other equally shitty team) and crush my dreams. Again.
Being a Charger Fan Sucks
Tomorrow afternoon, the San Diego Chargers (go Chargers! Yeah! Yeaaaaaaah!) will play host to the Kansas City Chiefs (BOOOOOOOO) in what is far and away the most important football game of either of their seasons. Whoever wins probably makes the playoffs; the Chiefs are up two games, but have a much tougher final schedule, and San Diego almost never loses in December. To make it worse for them...
Oh Fuck Off, Glenn Beck →
This was wonderful: CNN’s Fareed Zakaria proving that Glenn Beck has absolutely no idea what he’s talking using 6th grade math and some arguments that anyone with a junior high diploma could follow. Congrats, Glenn, this is a new low for you; you’ve actually managed to make false claims about the political strategy of an entire fucking religion. Why doesn’t...
Fart Joke Fridays
Where I makes the same jokes I used to make during the best fucking year of my life: 3rd grade, the last year before all the cool kids started throwing rocks at my head on the playground, and more people than nerdy antisocial gamers thought my jokes were funny. Once in third grade, I got a girl to laugh; in a related side-note, I immediately had to change my underwear. This week’s...
The Gus Johnson Soundboard →
Ever heard of the Law of Gus? I’m stealing it from Bill Simmons, but the basic idea is that whenever Gus Johnson calls a game (he calls March Madness and the NFL for CBS), God goes “Shit yeah, Gus is calling this game? I fucking love when that guy gets excited! Let’s make this game awesome!” Because whenever Gus calls a close game, magic is made. Luckily for the...
Is this the most worn-out meme on the history of the internet? Seriously, who is the jack-ass who does this on every you-tube video? ”First Comment!” Do you expect us to bow down before your incisive wit and sharp insight? I bet he jerks off to his own comments on CNN articles. Or his WoW character. He probably trolls every sports blog and responds to every thread by telling the...